8th
November 30, 2016
Going to Mass in the morning is the salvation of everything about me. I have scheduled someone else to open the school so that I can go to morning Mass as often as possible. It takes an hour and a half since it is twenty minutes travel there and from. I don't know what the Eucharist does inside us, but then how do we know what Jesus does in us all the time? Mystery takes on such cloth when trying to figure out how it all works.
Coming home from two weeks being with my Wisconsin daughter, son-in-law and brand new baby was tough. I would be a success in a movie where crying on cue had to happen; every time I think of wiping that tear from my dear daughter's cheek at the airport, I cry. Hearing her say, "we don't know what we are doing," my heart breaks. The truth is though that they do know what they are doing and are wonderful parents; top drawer! top notch! cream of the crop! gilt-edged!...as are all of the grand babies' parents. They would disagree but they would be wrong. Part of the confusion, worry, wonder and willing struggle is what helps make a parent great. But I knew what she meant. They were brand new parents. Shopping, feeding, sleeping, all the daily routines that change hour by hour; all of that had to be contended with and maneuvered. She knew, and I knew, that it is much easier with another set of hands and willing heart hanging around. I want to hang around. And sweet Louisa! She was comfortable with me and knew me by the time I left. It is so hard bringing that knowing to a halt. I miss her.
I want to hang around with each of the children and their children. I want to be a constant particle in the lives of each of them; not as a distant thought and prayer but as a physical and ever-ready help and support for them. Still, I do know that they will all be okay...they are all wonderful parents...but the desire is there and the tearing at my heart and mind.
I saw my New York daughter and family, the Godparents of the new baby while in Wisconsin. My little Mia came quickly to me when she saw me and wanted to be with me. There are epoxy heart strings between us. She knows it and I know it and when we Skype we know it and remember. I want to develop those strings with her little brother too...but these things take time! It is not pleasant being so far away. When I think of little Mia's eyes watching me as they left...I can't help the tears.
Coming home, I flew into Texas and spent a couple days with the Texas family. Sweet Zachary and I have epoxy strings too but I think he has developed a little confusion and mistrust toward me. He is smart enough to know now that he cannot rely on me to be a constant in his life. I want to be a constant. If I could just get quadruplelocation to work for me... When I think of Zachary's eyes, holding on to mine with those epoxy strings, his little fingers opening and closing on a goodbye...I cry.
Is it this hard for other grandparents? I know that being quietly alone makes the thoughts last longer, seem deeper in my whole being. That's a good thing though...I think. Is it? I pray and offer up the longing for those without babies, or those with tragedy in their families, and it helps. It helps me and it helps them. I had a thought the other day that I believe came from the Holy Spirit. It was the thought that I may be doing more for my children's families with the prayers that I offer for them than the help I could give physically if we were closer. Still, I know that even if we were closer I would still be praying for them.
It's not just the grand babies who render me as mushy as a rotten peach. My son was here for Thanksgiving; helped me cook, took me shopping, took me to a movie. It was so nice! I was trying to stay upbeat after he left but I missed him terribly. Things come up that I want to show him; things I want to say to him. I wish we had played a duet on the piano.
Sweet Mia dislocated her elbow while throwing an "I'm-almost-two-years-old" fit last night. I couldn't help. I could pray. After a visit to the ER she is fine. Sweet Doll.
Back to the grace of the Mass. I have been quite sad after leaving the babies and their families. It got worse after my son left. I knew I was heading down the slippery slide of depression. It made me frustrated with myself. My grandchildren are not my children. Why do I feel so tied to them? They have wonderful parents.
I cleaned out a closet and I am glad to have six bags of stuff gone, but it didn't quell the sadness.
Mass often makes me cry even when I am not sad. Getting ready for Sunday Mass this morning, I wondered if I would start a crying stint and not be able to stop-up the damn during Mass, making people wonder what the heck was up with me. I even had the thought that I should maybe not go to Mass because of that. It was a fleeting thought. I don't think I have missed Sunday Mass more than five times in my entire life. I simply made myself not think of the crying triggers.
None of the churches around here have Mass on Monday. Reminds me of all the restaurants which are closed on Monday. Strange. No Mass in the morning on Tuesdays either; Masses are in the evening. At this time of the year it is too dark and too cold to go - well, "yes," to your question of "don't I have lights on the car?", but I don't like the cold and dark and coming back in through the dark and cold to an empty house.
Tuesday I felt so tired I lay down twice to take a nap. I remember rolling over in the bed and feeling terribly alone and sad but as a tear dropped, I sensed Jesus saying, "I don't want you to be so sad." A text came through from a daughter saying that she thought her baby had spit up or drooled a little on her chest and then was lying in it. For some reason it made me laugh out loud. Almost seemed like a touch of grace.
This morning I did go to Mass and when I came home I stood still in the kitchen a moment and realized the sadness was gone. I was not tired; I was not sad. I knew deep within me that it was the powerful Presence of Jesus Himself, in the Eucharist who had strengthened me. He had given me another nudge of remembering that He does not want me to be sad. I mused for a bit on how that will feel, how that will look, if I can go about the day in a joyful state remembering that the joy of the Lord is our strength. This morning Father talked about the call of Andrew and Peter and how they left everything behind and followed Jesus. How are we to leave everything behind; our sadness,our expectations, our dreams, and follow Jesus. How can we tell others if we are not called? How can we be called unless we try to pay attention and listen? How can we pay attention and listen if we don't put ourselves in the encircling presence of Jesus where we know He lives? We have to enmesh ourselves in His grace-giving moments of reading Scripture, studying Scripture, prayers, and the Eucharist. With that touch of His I felt greatly light all day.
Jesus, help me let go of my nets that entangle me, nets where all I catch is a sad heart and depressed spirit; rather, help me follow You wherever You lead. While I listen to Your leading, help me remember to be joyful.
Monday, December 5, 2016
Sunday, October 23, 2016
7th October 25, 2016
I had a segment of such sadness this afternoon. Sweet little pictures were being shared via texts and I just wished that I could hold those little ones, play with those toddlers. Oh God...please help all the Grandma's and Grandpa's who cannot see their children or grandchildren very often. Again I offer, to You, the wishing of that closeness, for those couples who haven't been able to carry a child of their own, yet, and also for those who have suffered tragedies in their families or have lost children.
To my own children, in case you ever read this: I am so grateful for the people you are. I am so proud that you all have the ability to be such great adults. I completely understand that you are where you are because of God's leading in your lives, your spouse's lives and the work that you are all doing. I do not want any of you to feel rotten about any of the sadness I feel on occasions. I believe this intermittent sadness is necessary for me in my spiritual journey. I am learning to relinquish, to let go, to offer up; and in this emptying of myself surely there is more room for Jesus. So don't feel bad for me. Recently, I was thinking about all of you and the various places you are. I was a bit sad and was talking to our Lord about it and I believe He impressed on my mind the knowing that it is a selfish thing for me to feel as if I am "cheated" out of being near all of you, when what He wants of your lives is the spark that you all kindle in the places you are. If I can, or need to, live with one or the other of you at some point, I believe that way will be made obvious and possible.
I know that there are times when you, too, wish that we were all closer together. You have all said this very thing and I think we all believe it would be wonderfully pleasant to live closer to each other than we do. I know it is hard on you, too, not being near the members of your family, especially when children are small. I remember being Momma to you dears, and with the role of grandma, I remember more poignantly how you were as little children. It is hard sometimes to squelch the tendency to "mamma" your children. Are there books on being a grandparent? Oh, I am sure there are but I have not even considered, until now, reading something about it. I guess I should. You are all such good parents; I really don't want to act as if I know how to raise your children better than you do! So if I ever do that, you just say, "now Grandma...stop."
I guess I did something right along the way, since you all are quite wonderful, but I know too, that a lot of what you have become is because of and through, the grace given by our Lord. I regret some things but I am glad I prayed daily that Jesus would supply in you what we failed to give. That He would make up the difference. It is a tough thing for parents to remember that you are really raising His children and that the children are only on loan...it's a very hard thing to think about. Still, it is very reassuring knowing that since children do belong to Him, that He too, has a very high stake in the raising of the children and though we try to do our part well, it is very comforting to remember that He helps in the raising of His children whom He loves more than we possibly can.
When you were all small and we lived away from family, I wanted so badly to show you off, to have the constancy and closeness of my family and their admiration of all of you. I thought the little things you did were so cute...probably cuter and more precocious than anything any other child had ever done. I wanted my Momma, or at least someone in my family, to see you, to acknowledge to me that they thought you were just the sweetest little person ever. I know how that feels; I can still remember it. Have I mentioned I am so glad we can Skype?
We didn't have cell phones then, so I could only send pictures in the mail. That meant that the roll of film holding the picture of the sweetness that had been captured with a far from first-rate camera, had to be sent off, developed, sent back to me and then I could finally mail a picture to someone at home. By the time there was a response from either a long-distance phone call or a letter back, the memory of wanting to share that sweet precious moment was already several weeks old. Long distance phone calls were not cheap, so weekly calls were the norm. How I regretted it if I missed a call! Now we don't have to worry about missing a call with our nearly-attached-to-our-bodies cell phones, and the video calls are so amazingly amazing! But even though we have the ease of digital nearness, it is not even close to being near in person. It is definitely better than mailing pictures and hoping for a call or a letter, but I know it is still hard not to have the constancy of someone else seeing what your dear one is doing.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all encouragement, who encourages us in our every affliction, so that we may be able to encourage those who are in any affliction with the encouragement with which we ourselves are encouraged by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "
I had a segment of such sadness this afternoon. Sweet little pictures were being shared via texts and I just wished that I could hold those little ones, play with those toddlers. Oh God...please help all the Grandma's and Grandpa's who cannot see their children or grandchildren very often. Again I offer, to You, the wishing of that closeness, for those couples who haven't been able to carry a child of their own, yet, and also for those who have suffered tragedies in their families or have lost children.
To my own children, in case you ever read this: I am so grateful for the people you are. I am so proud that you all have the ability to be such great adults. I completely understand that you are where you are because of God's leading in your lives, your spouse's lives and the work that you are all doing. I do not want any of you to feel rotten about any of the sadness I feel on occasions. I believe this intermittent sadness is necessary for me in my spiritual journey. I am learning to relinquish, to let go, to offer up; and in this emptying of myself surely there is more room for Jesus. So don't feel bad for me. Recently, I was thinking about all of you and the various places you are. I was a bit sad and was talking to our Lord about it and I believe He impressed on my mind the knowing that it is a selfish thing for me to feel as if I am "cheated" out of being near all of you, when what He wants of your lives is the spark that you all kindle in the places you are. If I can, or need to, live with one or the other of you at some point, I believe that way will be made obvious and possible.
I know that there are times when you, too, wish that we were all closer together. You have all said this very thing and I think we all believe it would be wonderfully pleasant to live closer to each other than we do. I know it is hard on you, too, not being near the members of your family, especially when children are small. I remember being Momma to you dears, and with the role of grandma, I remember more poignantly how you were as little children. It is hard sometimes to squelch the tendency to "mamma" your children. Are there books on being a grandparent? Oh, I am sure there are but I have not even considered, until now, reading something about it. I guess I should. You are all such good parents; I really don't want to act as if I know how to raise your children better than you do! So if I ever do that, you just say, "now Grandma...stop."
I guess I did something right along the way, since you all are quite wonderful, but I know too, that a lot of what you have become is because of and through, the grace given by our Lord. I regret some things but I am glad I prayed daily that Jesus would supply in you what we failed to give. That He would make up the difference. It is a tough thing for parents to remember that you are really raising His children and that the children are only on loan...it's a very hard thing to think about. Still, it is very reassuring knowing that since children do belong to Him, that He too, has a very high stake in the raising of the children and though we try to do our part well, it is very comforting to remember that He helps in the raising of His children whom He loves more than we possibly can.
When you were all small and we lived away from family, I wanted so badly to show you off, to have the constancy and closeness of my family and their admiration of all of you. I thought the little things you did were so cute...probably cuter and more precocious than anything any other child had ever done. I wanted my Momma, or at least someone in my family, to see you, to acknowledge to me that they thought you were just the sweetest little person ever. I know how that feels; I can still remember it. Have I mentioned I am so glad we can Skype?
We didn't have cell phones then, so I could only send pictures in the mail. That meant that the roll of film holding the picture of the sweetness that had been captured with a far from first-rate camera, had to be sent off, developed, sent back to me and then I could finally mail a picture to someone at home. By the time there was a response from either a long-distance phone call or a letter back, the memory of wanting to share that sweet precious moment was already several weeks old. Long distance phone calls were not cheap, so weekly calls were the norm. How I regretted it if I missed a call! Now we don't have to worry about missing a call with our nearly-attached-to-our-bodies cell phones, and the video calls are so amazingly amazing! But even though we have the ease of digital nearness, it is not even close to being near in person. It is definitely better than mailing pictures and hoping for a call or a letter, but I know it is still hard not to have the constancy of someone else seeing what your dear one is doing.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all encouragement, who encourages us in our every affliction, so that we may be able to encourage those who are in any affliction with the encouragement with which we ourselves are encouraged by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "
6th October 23, 2016
I am sleepy today. Waking up during the night and not being able to go back to sleep is a mess. I know many "older" people who complain about this. Heck, I remember my mom complaining about not being able to sleep some nights. I was not very sympathetic at the time. I remember telling her she should get up and read or something; it didn't do any good to just lie there. I see it a bit differently now. I want to go back to sleep; I know I need to go back to sleep and I know the next day is going to be a groggy mess if I don't go back to sleep. So getting up to do something seems counterproductive to getting back to sleep. Still, the longer I lie there wishing I could go back to sleep, the harder it gets. Eating a small bowl of cheerios before bed seems to help but last night I didn't do that. So, welcome groggy day.
Last week I just about decided I could not stay in the house by myself at night but then I remembered the time I hit a deer driving home. The deer slid right out of the road in front of me, letting the oncoming traffic just go right past instead of all of us having a crash of some kind. And I remembered the car that just last month, was headed toward me across the median and all of a sudden it just simply went backwards! Fast! How in the world can that happen? I absolutely believe the only explanation is that there was a huge angel or several who just swooped the deer off the road and who just shoved the car backwards. So I am asking for one of those angels to hang out with me at night and keep me protected. Logically I know I will be alright...well, logically, I do know that bad things can happen, but I believe it is quite unlikely. It is so quiet here. I can hear the crickets, frogs, cicadas, and once in awhile a truck. So of course I hear every little creak of the house and sometimes I get a little shiver when I can't readily explain the sound. Oh lovely, now the coyotes are having a festival in the pasture. So here's another thing I need to figure out about myself: why am I so skittish at night?
I almost went to my sister's house this evening but I didn't want to hint to myself that I didn't really rely on God's protective power. I believed, and kept reminding myself, that I could manage quite well with big protective angels and God Himself living in me...I mean, really, how can someone be scared of anything with that knowledge? Blessings on blessings, full measure, pressed down, shaken together, poured into my lap...another grace happened right after I asked for the angel. I got a request for someone to stay at the house for the next eight nights! Not the same person; ten guests total.
This new venture of a bed and breakfast listing is quite fun. I am meeting such wonderful people and I am kept busy cooking and cleaning while getting paid a bit too! My global family. Thank you, Jesus!
I am sleepy today. Waking up during the night and not being able to go back to sleep is a mess. I know many "older" people who complain about this. Heck, I remember my mom complaining about not being able to sleep some nights. I was not very sympathetic at the time. I remember telling her she should get up and read or something; it didn't do any good to just lie there. I see it a bit differently now. I want to go back to sleep; I know I need to go back to sleep and I know the next day is going to be a groggy mess if I don't go back to sleep. So getting up to do something seems counterproductive to getting back to sleep. Still, the longer I lie there wishing I could go back to sleep, the harder it gets. Eating a small bowl of cheerios before bed seems to help but last night I didn't do that. So, welcome groggy day.
Last week I just about decided I could not stay in the house by myself at night but then I remembered the time I hit a deer driving home. The deer slid right out of the road in front of me, letting the oncoming traffic just go right past instead of all of us having a crash of some kind. And I remembered the car that just last month, was headed toward me across the median and all of a sudden it just simply went backwards! Fast! How in the world can that happen? I absolutely believe the only explanation is that there was a huge angel or several who just swooped the deer off the road and who just shoved the car backwards. So I am asking for one of those angels to hang out with me at night and keep me protected. Logically I know I will be alright...well, logically, I do know that bad things can happen, but I believe it is quite unlikely. It is so quiet here. I can hear the crickets, frogs, cicadas, and once in awhile a truck. So of course I hear every little creak of the house and sometimes I get a little shiver when I can't readily explain the sound. Oh lovely, now the coyotes are having a festival in the pasture. So here's another thing I need to figure out about myself: why am I so skittish at night?
I almost went to my sister's house this evening but I didn't want to hint to myself that I didn't really rely on God's protective power. I believed, and kept reminding myself, that I could manage quite well with big protective angels and God Himself living in me...I mean, really, how can someone be scared of anything with that knowledge? Blessings on blessings, full measure, pressed down, shaken together, poured into my lap...another grace happened right after I asked for the angel. I got a request for someone to stay at the house for the next eight nights! Not the same person; ten guests total.
This new venture of a bed and breakfast listing is quite fun. I am meeting such wonderful people and I am kept busy cooking and cleaning while getting paid a bit too! My global family. Thank you, Jesus!
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
#5
October 19, 2016
Last night a little remark was made for something I did. I think of others and how they would just give a retort back and have it done with. Oh no, not me. I have to sit in the juices of the stew and ruminate about it. I don't like it at all and I can't help thinking that if I were wiser, keener somehow, I would know how to respond. I won't respond though and I am trying to figure out why it is that I avoid conflict at all costs. Perhaps through years and years of learning to "pick our battles," as parents say, I know when to not make the stew hotter or thicker. So I'm trying to let it go.
Still, I feel tired and out of sorts. I have prayed, said the Divine praises, have on Hildegard de Bingen on Pandora but I still feel dejected. It is obvious that I have not let go of the criticism the way I know I should. In some way I have not actually turned it over to God so He can heal it, teach me, love me through it. Such a little thing.
The remark was because when the grand babies started coming I left my own responsibilities to others and spent one month with one daughter after her six weeks maternity leave was over and then I spent another month with another daughter after her maternity leave was over but that month turned into almost ten more months. I needed, wanted, cherished the break from my normal work, and needed the healing that the time gave me. I was grateful for the ones who took care of my "stuff" while I was gone; but still, perhaps I felt a bit guilty for leaving and so when an outside remark came it dug in deep where I was already prepared for it.
During those eleven months, I became so attached to my grandson that it was excruciatingly hard to leave. We were family there; laughing, working, eating together. At my home, I am alone. When this daughter quit her job after ten months, I thought I should let them have their home-making time to themselves so I came back to my house even though the leaving was hard, hard. They said I could stay and that they wanted me to stay. Still, it seemed right to go.
I knew when I was away that I may be setting up a reason for criticism later...but I have had very little. Last night's quick statement caught me off guard. I should have been prepared but I wasn't. Instead of making me wish I hadn't left my niche and gone to help, it did the opposite and made me wonder even more fervently about why I should make myself stay in a large empty house when I have a grandson and family who would gladly let me stay with them? Those who have strong dispositions will wonder at my mental stability I suppose. But I know that at my daughter's house there is a grandson who wanders through the house looking for me when I am gone. A grandson who got all excited right after I left when a skype call was made. He would see my picture and try, I thought, to get me out of the phone but couldn't, and would then cry. After several calls like that he started just wanting to kiss the phone. Now, after a month or so, he just looks, smiles, gives a kiss and walks away. I'm not sure why a remark reminded me of wanting to be back there instead of my home...maybe because of the security I felt when I was with my daughter's family. I think it is good for my daughter to be able to grow her family on her own and ask for help when she needs it but I am grateful to know that they would let me live with them at any point. I know all of my daughters would welcome stints of time with me living with them and I am very, very grateful for that.
I reminded myself while typing that paragraph, that during that time I had not even offered up my self-indulgent pity for the couples who are struggling for their own family! I got up, went to the school for a bit, went to the mailbox and while walking I tossed my hands, palm up, in a gesture to God to take the little irritation, the ridiculous criticism, the angst I felt, as an offering up for those couples who want a baby so badly.
The cloud has lifted and I feel almost ashamed that I let something so small drag me down to the wallowing ground of the self-pity mire. Almost ashamed. I know that the devil is strong and will use some little anything to keep goading us, trying to make us wallow in self-pity or shame. He lost this battle. I am ashamed I didn't recognize it and send him sliding out the door of my life head first at the beginning of the day. Maybe I wanted to wallow around in the dirt. Why? What a piggish thing to do.
I mentioned the grandson (in Texas) who stole my heart and emotions in those months that I got to live with him and his parents. I can sense his eyes, the touch of his little hand in mine, the feel of his hugs. It makes me cry when I think of him coming to me. But not only that; I have the grand daughter (in New York) who likes having me around also...I think of her and want to be with her too. When I am with her for little segments of time, she comes to trust that I will do things with her and take her for walks; love her. I love her giggles, her imitations of me. She calls me "Stahp!" because of all the times I had to say, "stop" when she tried to put pebbles or acorns in her mouth during our walks. She grins at me and I want her close to me. And then there is her baby brother. The grandson who is growing up without me getting to know him...without him getting to know me. He is getting so fat and is so full of smiles! I want to hold him. I want to make him giggle. And the brand new grand daughter (Wisconsin) who looks like a baby doll from a Sears and Roebuck Christmas catalog. I want to hold her so badly. I want to see her eyes looking at me. She looks so pensive. She would see me. I think she would look through my eyes to my soul. I do get to see her in two weeks, for two weeks! I am so glad! And I will get to see the other three grand babies too! Even little short segments of time are amazingly wonderful. Of course they are! I started to say, "it is enough." But it isn't enough...I want more. I am thankful God, so thankful...but I want more! How I wish we all lived closer together.
Thank you God, for the lessons you teach us. Thank you for your Son...thank you Mary, for your willingness to bring Jesus to us and your immense sacrifice when He was taken from you. I offer to you the sacrifice of my desire to spend lots of days with my children and grandchildren. Thank you for their health. Thank you for the protection you give. Please heal those whose arms and hearts are aching to hold a child of their own.
"Those who offer praise as a sacrifice honor Me; to the obedient I will show the salvation of God. Psalm 50:23"
October 19, 2016
Last night a little remark was made for something I did. I think of others and how they would just give a retort back and have it done with. Oh no, not me. I have to sit in the juices of the stew and ruminate about it. I don't like it at all and I can't help thinking that if I were wiser, keener somehow, I would know how to respond. I won't respond though and I am trying to figure out why it is that I avoid conflict at all costs. Perhaps through years and years of learning to "pick our battles," as parents say, I know when to not make the stew hotter or thicker. So I'm trying to let it go.
Still, I feel tired and out of sorts. I have prayed, said the Divine praises, have on Hildegard de Bingen on Pandora but I still feel dejected. It is obvious that I have not let go of the criticism the way I know I should. In some way I have not actually turned it over to God so He can heal it, teach me, love me through it. Such a little thing.
The remark was because when the grand babies started coming I left my own responsibilities to others and spent one month with one daughter after her six weeks maternity leave was over and then I spent another month with another daughter after her maternity leave was over but that month turned into almost ten more months. I needed, wanted, cherished the break from my normal work, and needed the healing that the time gave me. I was grateful for the ones who took care of my "stuff" while I was gone; but still, perhaps I felt a bit guilty for leaving and so when an outside remark came it dug in deep where I was already prepared for it.
During those eleven months, I became so attached to my grandson that it was excruciatingly hard to leave. We were family there; laughing, working, eating together. At my home, I am alone. When this daughter quit her job after ten months, I thought I should let them have their home-making time to themselves so I came back to my house even though the leaving was hard, hard. They said I could stay and that they wanted me to stay. Still, it seemed right to go.
I knew when I was away that I may be setting up a reason for criticism later...but I have had very little. Last night's quick statement caught me off guard. I should have been prepared but I wasn't. Instead of making me wish I hadn't left my niche and gone to help, it did the opposite and made me wonder even more fervently about why I should make myself stay in a large empty house when I have a grandson and family who would gladly let me stay with them? Those who have strong dispositions will wonder at my mental stability I suppose. But I know that at my daughter's house there is a grandson who wanders through the house looking for me when I am gone. A grandson who got all excited right after I left when a skype call was made. He would see my picture and try, I thought, to get me out of the phone but couldn't, and would then cry. After several calls like that he started just wanting to kiss the phone. Now, after a month or so, he just looks, smiles, gives a kiss and walks away. I'm not sure why a remark reminded me of wanting to be back there instead of my home...maybe because of the security I felt when I was with my daughter's family. I think it is good for my daughter to be able to grow her family on her own and ask for help when she needs it but I am grateful to know that they would let me live with them at any point. I know all of my daughters would welcome stints of time with me living with them and I am very, very grateful for that.
I reminded myself while typing that paragraph, that during that time I had not even offered up my self-indulgent pity for the couples who are struggling for their own family! I got up, went to the school for a bit, went to the mailbox and while walking I tossed my hands, palm up, in a gesture to God to take the little irritation, the ridiculous criticism, the angst I felt, as an offering up for those couples who want a baby so badly.
The cloud has lifted and I feel almost ashamed that I let something so small drag me down to the wallowing ground of the self-pity mire. Almost ashamed. I know that the devil is strong and will use some little anything to keep goading us, trying to make us wallow in self-pity or shame. He lost this battle. I am ashamed I didn't recognize it and send him sliding out the door of my life head first at the beginning of the day. Maybe I wanted to wallow around in the dirt. Why? What a piggish thing to do.
I mentioned the grandson (in Texas) who stole my heart and emotions in those months that I got to live with him and his parents. I can sense his eyes, the touch of his little hand in mine, the feel of his hugs. It makes me cry when I think of him coming to me. But not only that; I have the grand daughter (in New York) who likes having me around also...I think of her and want to be with her too. When I am with her for little segments of time, she comes to trust that I will do things with her and take her for walks; love her. I love her giggles, her imitations of me. She calls me "Stahp!" because of all the times I had to say, "stop" when she tried to put pebbles or acorns in her mouth during our walks. She grins at me and I want her close to me. And then there is her baby brother. The grandson who is growing up without me getting to know him...without him getting to know me. He is getting so fat and is so full of smiles! I want to hold him. I want to make him giggle. And the brand new grand daughter (Wisconsin) who looks like a baby doll from a Sears and Roebuck Christmas catalog. I want to hold her so badly. I want to see her eyes looking at me. She looks so pensive. She would see me. I think she would look through my eyes to my soul. I do get to see her in two weeks, for two weeks! I am so glad! And I will get to see the other three grand babies too! Even little short segments of time are amazingly wonderful. Of course they are! I started to say, "it is enough." But it isn't enough...I want more. I am thankful God, so thankful...but I want more! How I wish we all lived closer together.
Thank you God, for the lessons you teach us. Thank you for your Son...thank you Mary, for your willingness to bring Jesus to us and your immense sacrifice when He was taken from you. I offer to you the sacrifice of my desire to spend lots of days with my children and grandchildren. Thank you for their health. Thank you for the protection you give. Please heal those whose arms and hearts are aching to hold a child of their own.
"Those who offer praise as a sacrifice honor Me; to the obedient I will show the salvation of God. Psalm 50:23"
Monday, October 17, 2016
#4
October 17, 2017
Joy, sweet joy! A new grand daughter! Dear sweet Louisa! In a few hours she will be a day old. So tiny, so perfect! Of course I wish I could be there but I am doing quite well with the offering up of desires. I am so thankful that we have ways of sharing pictures, messages, calls, and even videos face to face. It certainly makes the distance seem a bit shorter. Still, my arms and heart want to hold her badly. I think of her a lot. I think of my own daughter, now a mother. I am full of gratitude for the safe delivery and healthy baby girl. I want to hold them both. I will get to in two weeks but it seems like such a long time to wait. It will mean many more moments of offering up.
Yesterday, while waiting for news of the birth, I was hoping, praying for a safe delivery. Every fiber of my being was pulling for my daughter to have a safe delivery. The tension during the waiting was enormous. And then, all of a sudden comes the text, "We have a baby! Mama is great! Ten fingers, ten toes; all is perfect!" Such a flood of relief! I was so happy, so grateful, so thankful!
After awhile the devil tried to get his awful foot in the door of my happiness by reminding me that I had no one here with whom to share that moment. Yes, that was true. Really though? Am I going to get saddened by that? I'll throw it up to God; offer that little goad of satan's as an offering in thanksgiving for a healthy baby and momma and for those three couples for whom I am praying. Done! Get behind me, satan!
I'll admit there is still a struggle deep in my heart. I do not have any callouses built up around my heart yet...and I hope I never will. When I called this morning for a flower arrangement to be made for my daughter and new family, I talked to someone at the hospital where they do flower arrangements on site. I did fine with the choosing of the price, the kind of flowers and all that, but when she asked what I wanted the card to say I tried to tell her. There was a glitch in my throat, nothing came out, the floodgate of tears opened; I said, "um, just a minute, sorry." She assured me it was okay and to take my time. I got it out eventually and within moments the faucet of tears shut off and all was well.
You help me, You sustain me, You lift me up! I praise You! "My God brightens the darkness about me; with my God to help I can leap a wall. Psalm 18: 29-30"
October 17, 2017
Joy, sweet joy! A new grand daughter! Dear sweet Louisa! In a few hours she will be a day old. So tiny, so perfect! Of course I wish I could be there but I am doing quite well with the offering up of desires. I am so thankful that we have ways of sharing pictures, messages, calls, and even videos face to face. It certainly makes the distance seem a bit shorter. Still, my arms and heart want to hold her badly. I think of her a lot. I think of my own daughter, now a mother. I am full of gratitude for the safe delivery and healthy baby girl. I want to hold them both. I will get to in two weeks but it seems like such a long time to wait. It will mean many more moments of offering up.
Yesterday, while waiting for news of the birth, I was hoping, praying for a safe delivery. Every fiber of my being was pulling for my daughter to have a safe delivery. The tension during the waiting was enormous. And then, all of a sudden comes the text, "We have a baby! Mama is great! Ten fingers, ten toes; all is perfect!" Such a flood of relief! I was so happy, so grateful, so thankful!
After awhile the devil tried to get his awful foot in the door of my happiness by reminding me that I had no one here with whom to share that moment. Yes, that was true. Really though? Am I going to get saddened by that? I'll throw it up to God; offer that little goad of satan's as an offering in thanksgiving for a healthy baby and momma and for those three couples for whom I am praying. Done! Get behind me, satan!
I'll admit there is still a struggle deep in my heart. I do not have any callouses built up around my heart yet...and I hope I never will. When I called this morning for a flower arrangement to be made for my daughter and new family, I talked to someone at the hospital where they do flower arrangements on site. I did fine with the choosing of the price, the kind of flowers and all that, but when she asked what I wanted the card to say I tried to tell her. There was a glitch in my throat, nothing came out, the floodgate of tears opened; I said, "um, just a minute, sorry." She assured me it was okay and to take my time. I got it out eventually and within moments the faucet of tears shut off and all was well.
You help me, You sustain me, You lift me up! I praise You! "My God brightens the darkness about me; with my God to help I can leap a wall. Psalm 18: 29-30"
Monday, October 10, 2016
#3
Monday, Oct. 10, 2016
I dreaded going to the school. At 7:15 I was there. I do try to be upbeat and nice while there. I gave a demonstration about the parts of speech. The children liked it and I felt as if I had done something worthwhile. I saw a text picture of the two grandchildren in New York and had a skype call from the one in Texas. My daughter said I should have seen Zachary's face while he waited to see if I picked up on the call. It made me a little bit sad because I love to see their faces with all the different expressions. The anticipation expression is the best. Oh dear God. Please help me adjust. I picture their little faces and the wonder; the happiness when they see me. It is a hard giving up. I am still not positive I should give it up. Maybe I should just give up everything at my house and flit from one child's house to the next. Eh, probably not the best idea. My daughter mentioned that two of them might live near each other after May of next year. I am hoping the school will sell by then so that I can go and live with or near them. But what about this house? And what about the other four children? Will they feel left out?
I was thinking. I believe it must be different with daughters than with sons. I can't imagine daughters-in-law wanting mothers-in-law to live with them, but sons-in-law don't seem to mind. At least mine don't. I do know I have some exceptional sons-in-law though.
Did I mention I am afraid at night...well, perhaps it is more of a frightened than afraid. I believe I will be okay; I believe there are angels and saints and Jesus Himself who protect us. Still, if I hear a noise or a creak I tingle at the fright, say some praises and it goes away, but it is discomfiting. In the back of my mind I know that I really do not have to ever be alone. My daughters would let me live with them. I cannot wrap my head around the right thing to do. I am tossing it up to God and praying that He will arrange things in one way or another so that I can be sure, or at least surer, of what He is wanting me to do. I want to be with the grand children as much as possible now while they are little to help them form a base...wow, do I mean a base for loving and wanting and needing me? Oh that does sound selfish! I know these are the extremely formative years though and yes, perhaps it is a little selfish...but I do wish for the constancy of the communication and nearness of them. But I think even more it is the wanting to help my own children in the base that they are forming in their children. It is easier to be present, understanding and aware of a child's needs and leanings if you are not struggling with everything else at the same time. I know how frustrating it can be to want to do things with your children and can't seem to be able to give them good segments of time when you are trying to clean house, cook, shop, do bookkeeping, and the myriad other things that must be done in a family. A grandmother could help with that now and then. So even if it is a bit of a selfish want, it is also a sincere wanting to help my own children and in that way let the help trickle down to making the grandchildren more secure with a very strong base.
I haven't had extensive jags of crying for a couple days. It's not that I miss the children less...but I think I am getting better at being alone and being quiet. Perhaps it is the praise music that I have playing much of the time. Honestly though, I believe it is the offering up that I get to do when a tinge of sadness at wanting to be around my family tries to take over all my senses; that offering up, it is the absolute propellant for getting rid of a depressed attitude. One can hardly dwell in self-pity or sadness when trying to offer up the very reason for the sadness for the benefit of someone else who does not have what you have.
Also, I do know that praise is where the heavenly realm resides. Does that sound hokey? Well it is not! It is very hard to say, "Praise the Lord," or "Blessed be God!" or other praises when a cloud of sadness, anger, worry, bitterness or angst of any kind has taken over your very self. But I know that if we simply say a praise, the Kingdom of Heaven has come upon us. One time, when I was thinking about God dwelling in the praises of His people, I remembered the Divine Praises, printed the prayer and memorized it. I will put it here for you. Say the praises out loud and memorize them.
Almost dark again. So quiet! I hear a bird outside. Maybe he is singing for me. I'll go whistle to him a bit.
Monday, Oct. 10, 2016
I dreaded going to the school. At 7:15 I was there. I do try to be upbeat and nice while there. I gave a demonstration about the parts of speech. The children liked it and I felt as if I had done something worthwhile. I saw a text picture of the two grandchildren in New York and had a skype call from the one in Texas. My daughter said I should have seen Zachary's face while he waited to see if I picked up on the call. It made me a little bit sad because I love to see their faces with all the different expressions. The anticipation expression is the best. Oh dear God. Please help me adjust. I picture their little faces and the wonder; the happiness when they see me. It is a hard giving up. I am still not positive I should give it up. Maybe I should just give up everything at my house and flit from one child's house to the next. Eh, probably not the best idea. My daughter mentioned that two of them might live near each other after May of next year. I am hoping the school will sell by then so that I can go and live with or near them. But what about this house? And what about the other four children? Will they feel left out?
I was thinking. I believe it must be different with daughters than with sons. I can't imagine daughters-in-law wanting mothers-in-law to live with them, but sons-in-law don't seem to mind. At least mine don't. I do know I have some exceptional sons-in-law though.
Did I mention I am afraid at night...well, perhaps it is more of a frightened than afraid. I believe I will be okay; I believe there are angels and saints and Jesus Himself who protect us. Still, if I hear a noise or a creak I tingle at the fright, say some praises and it goes away, but it is discomfiting. In the back of my mind I know that I really do not have to ever be alone. My daughters would let me live with them. I cannot wrap my head around the right thing to do. I am tossing it up to God and praying that He will arrange things in one way or another so that I can be sure, or at least surer, of what He is wanting me to do. I want to be with the grand children as much as possible now while they are little to help them form a base...wow, do I mean a base for loving and wanting and needing me? Oh that does sound selfish! I know these are the extremely formative years though and yes, perhaps it is a little selfish...but I do wish for the constancy of the communication and nearness of them. But I think even more it is the wanting to help my own children in the base that they are forming in their children. It is easier to be present, understanding and aware of a child's needs and leanings if you are not struggling with everything else at the same time. I know how frustrating it can be to want to do things with your children and can't seem to be able to give them good segments of time when you are trying to clean house, cook, shop, do bookkeeping, and the myriad other things that must be done in a family. A grandmother could help with that now and then. So even if it is a bit of a selfish want, it is also a sincere wanting to help my own children and in that way let the help trickle down to making the grandchildren more secure with a very strong base.
I haven't had extensive jags of crying for a couple days. It's not that I miss the children less...but I think I am getting better at being alone and being quiet. Perhaps it is the praise music that I have playing much of the time. Honestly though, I believe it is the offering up that I get to do when a tinge of sadness at wanting to be around my family tries to take over all my senses; that offering up, it is the absolute propellant for getting rid of a depressed attitude. One can hardly dwell in self-pity or sadness when trying to offer up the very reason for the sadness for the benefit of someone else who does not have what you have.
Also, I do know that praise is where the heavenly realm resides. Does that sound hokey? Well it is not! It is very hard to say, "Praise the Lord," or "Blessed be God!" or other praises when a cloud of sadness, anger, worry, bitterness or angst of any kind has taken over your very self. But I know that if we simply say a praise, the Kingdom of Heaven has come upon us. One time, when I was thinking about God dwelling in the praises of His people, I remembered the Divine Praises, printed the prayer and memorized it. I will put it here for you. Say the praises out loud and memorize them.
The Divine Praises
Blessed be God.
Blessed be His Holy Name.
Blessed be Jesus Christ, true God and true Man.
Blessed be the Name of Jesus.
Blessed be His Most Sacred Heart.
Blessed be His Most Precious Blood.
Blessed be Jesus in the Most Holy Sacrament of the Altar.
Blessed be the Holy Spirit, the Paraclete.
Blessed be the great Mother of God, Mary most Holy.
Blessed be her Holy and Immaculate Conception.
Blessed be her Glorious Assumption.
Blessed be the name of Mary, Virgin and Mother.
Blessed be St. Joseph, her most chaste spouse.
Blessed be God in His Angels and in His Saints.
The Doxology, which I think is "the study of praise" is a great praise to sing. You know it: "Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen"
Almost dark again. So quiet! I hear a bird outside. Maybe he is singing for me. I'll go whistle to him a bit.
Sunday, October 9, 2016
#2
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Today was different, better. But maybe it is better because it is not dusk yet. I know on Sundays there is, hopefully, lazy breakfasts, getting ready for Church, lunch, and maybe Sunday afternoon naps. I remember when the children were young we would stop for the Sunday paper after Church. I wanted more than anything to just go home, forget lunch, crawl into bed and read the comics...but there was lunch first. Once in awhile I did get to crawl onto the bed and read the comics after lunch and maybe even doze but it wasn't very often. My favorite time was if a child would let me read the comics to them. Well, weeks passed, then that became years and all of a sudden there's no one to make lunch for, no one to read comics to. It's alright. I don't get the paper anymore anyway.
I believe today was better though because I have a mission. One of my daughters mentioned that she feels a slight tinge of guilt sometimes at the ability to have a sweet daughter when others have tried and tried to have babies and for one reason or another just can't seem to be able to get pregnant or cannot carry a baby full term. She gave me the names of three couples who are struggling with this. I think my sadness (and I realize that it may be a selfish self-pity), is decreasing through my offering up of my desire for nearness to my children and grand babies, at least to a small degree, in hopes that my little offerings might help these three couples have successful conceptions and births of healthy babies. I am going to offer up all the times of wishing and wanting and feeling sorry for myself (do I really do that?) for those couples who are wishing, praying, hoping for a family of their own but have not been able to get pregnant. I am offering these little things as a prayer for them so that they can conceive. A and S, E and T, A and D, this is for you! God bless you and grant you a wonderful family!
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Today was different, better. But maybe it is better because it is not dusk yet. I know on Sundays there is, hopefully, lazy breakfasts, getting ready for Church, lunch, and maybe Sunday afternoon naps. I remember when the children were young we would stop for the Sunday paper after Church. I wanted more than anything to just go home, forget lunch, crawl into bed and read the comics...but there was lunch first. Once in awhile I did get to crawl onto the bed and read the comics after lunch and maybe even doze but it wasn't very often. My favorite time was if a child would let me read the comics to them. Well, weeks passed, then that became years and all of a sudden there's no one to make lunch for, no one to read comics to. It's alright. I don't get the paper anymore anyway.
I believe today was better though because I have a mission. One of my daughters mentioned that she feels a slight tinge of guilt sometimes at the ability to have a sweet daughter when others have tried and tried to have babies and for one reason or another just can't seem to be able to get pregnant or cannot carry a baby full term. She gave me the names of three couples who are struggling with this. I think my sadness (and I realize that it may be a selfish self-pity), is decreasing through my offering up of my desire for nearness to my children and grand babies, at least to a small degree, in hopes that my little offerings might help these three couples have successful conceptions and births of healthy babies. I am going to offer up all the times of wishing and wanting and feeling sorry for myself (do I really do that?) for those couples who are wishing, praying, hoping for a family of their own but have not been able to get pregnant. I am offering these little things as a prayer for them so that they can conceive. A and S, E and T, A and D, this is for you! God bless you and grant you a wonderful family!
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