#3


Monday, Oct. 10, 2016

I dreaded going to the school. At 7:15 I was there. I do try to be upbeat and nice while there.  I gave a demonstration about the parts of speech. The children liked it and I felt as if I had done something worthwhile.  I saw a text picture of the two grandchildren in New York and  had a skype call from the one in Texas.  My daughter said I should have seen Zachary's face while he waited to see if I picked up on the call.  It made me a little bit sad because I love to see their faces with all the different expressions.  The anticipation expression is the best.  Oh dear God. Please help me adjust.  I picture their little faces and the wonder; the happiness when they see me.  It is a hard giving up.  I am still not positive I should give it up. Maybe I should just give up everything at my house and flit from one child's house to the next. Eh, probably not the best idea. My daughter mentioned that two of them might live near each other after May of next year.  I am hoping the school will sell by then so that I can go and live with or near them.  But what about this house? And what about the other four children? Will they feel left out?

I was thinking. I believe it must be different with daughters than with sons.  I can't imagine daughters-in-law wanting mothers-in-law to live with them, but sons-in-law don't seem to mind.  At least mine don't.  I do know I have some exceptional sons-in-law though.

Did I mention I am afraid at night...well, perhaps it is more of a frightened than afraid.  I believe I will be okay; I believe there are angels and saints and Jesus Himself who protect us. Still, if I hear a noise or a creak  I tingle at the fright, say some praises and it goes away, but it is discomfiting. In the back of my mind I know that I really do not have to ever be alone.  My daughters would let me live with them.  I cannot wrap my head around the right thing to do. I am tossing it up to God and praying that He will arrange things in one way or another so that I can be sure, or at least surer, of what He is wanting me to do.  I want to be with the grand children as much as possible now while they are little to help them form a base...wow, do I mean a base for loving and wanting and needing me? Oh that does sound selfish! I know these are the extremely formative years though and yes, perhaps it is a little selfish...but I do wish for the constancy of the communication and nearness of them. But I think even more it is the wanting to help my own children in the base that they are forming in their children. It is easier to be present, understanding and aware of a child's needs and leanings if you are not struggling with everything else at the same time.  I know how frustrating it can be to want to do things with your children and can't seem to be able to give them good segments of time when you are trying to clean house, cook, shop, do bookkeeping, and the myriad other things that must be done in a family.  A grandmother could help with that now and then.  So even if it is a bit of a selfish want, it is also a sincere wanting to help my own children and in that way let the help trickle down to making the grandchildren more secure with a very strong base.

I haven't had extensive jags of crying for a couple days.  It's not that I miss the children less...but I think I am getting better at being alone and being quiet.  Perhaps it is the praise music that I have playing much of the time.  Honestly though, I believe it is the offering up that I get to do when a tinge of sadness at wanting to be around my family tries to take over all my senses; that offering up, it is the absolute propellant for getting rid of a depressed attitude.  One can hardly dwell in self-pity or sadness when trying to offer up the very reason for the sadness for the benefit of someone else who does not have what you have.

Also,  I do know that praise is where the heavenly realm resides. Does that sound hokey? Well it is not! It is very hard to say, "Praise the Lord," or "Blessed be God!" or other praises when a cloud of sadness, anger, worry, bitterness or angst of any kind has taken over your very self.  But I know that if we simply say a praise, the Kingdom of Heaven has come upon us.  One time, when I was thinking about God dwelling in the praises of His people, I remembered the Divine Praises, printed the prayer and memorized it. I will put it here for you. Say the praises out loud and memorize them.

The Divine Praises

Blessed be God.

Blessed be His Holy Name.

Blessed be Jesus Christ, true God and true Man. 

Blessed be the Name of Jesus. 

Blessed be His Most Sacred Heart.

Blessed be His Most Precious Blood.

Blessed be Jesus in the Most Holy Sacrament of the Altar. 

Blessed be the Holy Spirit, the Paraclete. 

Blessed be the great Mother of God, Mary most Holy. 

Blessed be her Holy and Immaculate Conception. 

Blessed be her Glorious Assumption. 

Blessed be the name of Mary, Virgin and Mother. 

Blessed be St. Joseph, her most chaste spouse. 

Blessed be God in His Angels and in His Saints.   

The Doxology, which I think is "the study of praise" is a great praise to sing.  You know it:  "Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen" 

Almost dark again. So quiet! I hear a bird outside.  Maybe he is singing for me. I'll go whistle to him a bit.