#5

October 19, 2016

 Last night a little remark was made for something I did. I think of others and how they would just give a retort back and have it done with. Oh no, not me. I have to sit in the juices of the stew and ruminate about it.  I don't like it at all and I can't help thinking that if I were wiser, keener somehow, I would know how to respond.  I won't respond though and I am trying to figure out why it is that I avoid conflict at all costs. Perhaps through years and years of learning to "pick our battles," as parents say, I know when to not make the stew hotter or thicker. So I'm trying to let it go.

Still,  I feel tired and out of sorts.  I have prayed, said the Divine praises, have on Hildegard de Bingen on Pandora but I still feel dejected. It is obvious that I have not let go of the criticism the way I know I should. In some way I  have not actually turned it over to God so He can heal it, teach me, love me through it. Such a little thing.

The remark was because when the grand babies started coming I left my own responsibilities to others and spent one month with one daughter after her six weeks maternity leave was over and then I spent another month with another daughter after her maternity leave was over but that month turned into almost ten more months.  I needed, wanted, cherished the break from my normal work, and needed the healing that the time gave me. I was grateful for the ones who took care of my "stuff" while I was gone;  but still, perhaps I felt a bit guilty for leaving and so when an outside remark came it dug in deep where I was already prepared for it.

During those eleven months, I became so attached to my grandson that it was excruciatingly hard to leave. We were family there; laughing, working, eating together. At my home, I am alone. When this daughter quit her job after ten months, I thought I should let them have their home-making time to themselves so I came back to my house even though the leaving was hard, hard. They said I could stay and that they wanted me to stay. Still, it seemed right to go.

 I knew when I was away that I may be setting up a reason for  criticism later...but I have had very little. Last night's quick statement caught me off guard. I should have been prepared but I wasn't. Instead of making me wish I hadn't left my niche and gone to help, it did the opposite and made me wonder even more fervently about why I should make myself stay in a large empty house when I have a grandson and family who would gladly let me stay with them? Those who have strong dispositions will wonder at my mental stability I suppose. But I know that at my daughter's house there is a grandson who wanders through the house looking for me when I am gone.  A grandson who got all excited right after I left when a skype call was made. He would see my picture and try, I thought, to get me out of the phone but couldn't, and would then cry.  After several calls like that he started just wanting to kiss the phone. Now, after a month or so, he just looks, smiles, gives a kiss and walks away. I'm not sure why a  remark reminded me of wanting to be back there instead of my home...maybe because of the security I felt when I was with my daughter's family.  I think it is good for my daughter to be able to grow her family on her own and ask for help when she needs it but I am grateful to know that they would let me live with them at any point.  I know all of my daughters would welcome stints of time with me living with them and I am very, very grateful for that.

I reminded myself while typing that paragraph, that during that time I had not even offered up my self-indulgent pity for the couples who are struggling for their own family!  I got up, went to the school for a bit, went to the mailbox and while walking I tossed my hands, palm up, in a gesture to God to take the little irritation, the ridiculous criticism, the angst I felt, as an offering up for those couples who want a baby so badly.

The cloud has lifted and I feel almost ashamed that I let something so small drag me down to the wallowing ground of the self-pity mire. Almost ashamed. I know that the devil is strong and will use some little anything to keep goading us, trying to make us wallow in self-pity or shame. He lost this battle. I am ashamed I didn't recognize it and send him sliding out the door of my life head first at the beginning of the day.  Maybe I wanted to wallow around in the dirt. Why? What a piggish thing to do.

I mentioned the grandson (in Texas) who stole my heart and emotions in those months that I got to live with him and his parents.  I can sense his eyes, the touch of his little hand in mine, the feel of his hugs.  It makes me cry when I think of him coming to me.  But not only that;  I have the  grand daughter (in New York) who likes having me around also...I think of her and want to be with her too. When I am with her for little segments of time, she comes to trust that I will do things with her and take her for walks; love her.  I love her giggles, her imitations of me.  She calls me "Stahp!" because of all the times I had to say, "stop" when she tried to put pebbles or acorns in her mouth during our walks. She grins at me and I want her close to me. And then there is her baby brother.  The grandson who is growing up without me getting to know him...without him getting to know me. He is getting so fat and is so full of smiles! I want to hold him. I want to make him giggle.  And the brand new grand daughter (Wisconsin) who looks like a baby doll from a Sears and Roebuck Christmas catalog. I want to hold her so badly.  I want to see her eyes looking at me. She looks so pensive. She would see me. I think she would look through my eyes to my soul. I do get to see her in two weeks, for two weeks!  I am so glad! And I will get to see the other three grand babies too! Even little short segments of time are amazingly wonderful. Of course they are! I started to say, "it is enough."  But it isn't enough...I want more.  I am thankful God, so thankful...but I want more! How I wish we all lived closer together.

Thank you God, for the lessons you teach us. Thank you for your Son...thank you Mary, for your willingness to bring Jesus to us and your immense sacrifice when He was taken from you. I offer to you the sacrifice of my desire to spend lots of days with my children and grandchildren. Thank you for their health. Thank you for the protection you give.  Please heal those whose arms and hearts are aching to hold a child of their own.

"Those who offer praise as a sacrifice honor Me; to the obedient I will show the salvation of God. Psalm 50:23"