#1    September, 2016

A jumble of thoughts run through my head at various times of the day.  We are heading into Fall and the daylight is shortened...this is not good;  dusk is a daily reminder of one more day finishing and I start to feel the loneliness of being alone in the house.  The house seems so big.  If I had a barrel of money I would take turns spending time with my children at their various corners of the world.  I miss them.  I see their faces in my mind or something reminds me of something that perhaps I meant to do for them, with them, and I get all sappy and teary.  Dusk is hard.  I know too, that they are ending their day, getting little ones to bed...getting themselves ready for bed.  When I did that, did I do it well? I don't know.  I suppose there were some nights I did a great job; others where I failed miserably.  If I could go back, perhaps I would do all of the days better.  We parents know, at the time of all the busyness, that the days will eventually be over, that we will not always be putting children to bed and reading stories, getting things ready for the next day and coveting some sleep for ourselves and wishing for a saint of some sort to come straighten our house and make it as clean and neat as the rooms on Star Trek.  Funny, my children saw me stand and watch minutes of the show as I walked through the room...they probably thought I enjoyed the show.  I don't even remember the people's names or even if it was Star Trek, The Next Generation, (or maybe that is the same thing), or Star Wars;  I was looking at the neat and tidy areas on the ship.  Yes we know, while in the middle of the jumble, that someday we won't be doing all the family raising, never ending, seemingly thankless chores;  someday we will have a different chapter to live. Knowing it then and living it now are totally unrelated. Knowing it does not prepare one for the doing.

The hard part now is that I know in some corner of the world is a child of mine and I cannot be an actual part of their life.  That sounds gloomy...it is gloomy...it is the way I feel right now.  I want to help, to know what they are busy with, what makes them happy or what messes their babies have gotten into.  My babies...all grown up.  It is hard.  There were no lessons for this.  Oh sure, there are all kinds of self-help books for the "empty nest syndrome."  I don't want them.  I have to figure this out on my own somehow.  I know if I have projects...I do, if I have friends...I do, then it should be easy enough to just grow up, let the children grow up,  and let it all go.  Dang it all though...it was a lot! Most of my life! At least 35 years with someone around. I don't like being alone.  I like being by myself sometimes...I like doing things on my own, but that is different than being alone.  Oh, I am sensible enough to know that this is a part of life and possibly a preparation for being older and decrepit to some degree.  Ugh! I dread that...but I want to be where my children are now while I still have a bit of strength and fun left in me.  I see no reason to be hanging out by myself when there are sweet cherubs who would sit with me, let me take them for walks, enjoy my silly games and give me slobbery kisses. Plus their skin is so soft! Softer than a rose petal. And the really sad part is that my grown children would welcome me into their homes...at least for substantial segments of time, but should Grandparents do that? Well, I don't know what the books say and I don't actually care ...but I do know that if I had enough money I would flit around to whomever would take me in for a week or so at a time.  Ideally though,  I wish we all lived geographically close to one another. I do think the "empty" house would not seem so empty if there was a reprieve of quiet from one or so of the others on a regular basis.

I am very thankful for Skype and video chats.  But it is not the same.  I am thankful that we are not separated by continents...yet. As thankful as I am for the ability to have phone calls, texts and video calls, it is still not nearly the same as the real thing.  Am I repeating myself? I think I could go on repeating myself:  I'm thankful; but I want more.  I'm thankful; but I want more...

Okay God.  I got some of the angst out of me for now.  Please, will You please protect my children and my grandchildren?  Will You please let them stay healthy and safe and please help the mom's and dad's of my dear grand babies?  Please help me, too, to not be afraid at night wallowing around in this house by myself.  Please, Jesus, tie us all together with Your Holy Spirit.  Keep us strong and ready to fulfill our mission in our place in life at this time.